Studies

Premarital Relations

When are you married? And how should you behave before you are?

Sexual immorality is clearly a sin

Mark 7:20-22 He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' {21} For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, {22} greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.

• Despite the modern "liberated" views about sex, Jesus says that sexual immorality and adultery are sins.
• The Greek word for sexual immorality in the New Testament is porneia, which means "to act as a harlot", or literally "to indulge unlawful lust".
• The New Testament relies on the definitions of what sexuality is moral and what is immoral as given in the Law of Moses (the Old Testament).
• Porneia is translated as fornication in some translations.
• We get the word pornography from the Greek word porneia.

Mat 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' {28} But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

• Jesus' standard for sexual purity was much higher than simply refraining from action.   It included our thoughts, our glances, and our motives.

Gal 5:19-21 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; {20} idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions {21} and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

• Sinful behavior is pretty obvious especially sexually.  We pretty much know when we're sinning (unless our hearts are hard and our consciences are seared).

Col 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

1 Th 4:3-5 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; {4} that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, {5} not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God;

• Self-control of one's body is a virtue.

Rev 21:8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."

Prov 6:25-26 Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, {26} for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

• Lust is sinful even if the object is simply beauty, or the body part is the eyes.

What is moral sexually?

• The very phrase "sexual immorality" implies that there is sexual behavior which is moral.
• Sex is morally good when it is with your spouse and when it is not accompanied by other things which are inconsistent with the Bible (such as lack of love, lack of sensitivity, lack of consideration).

1 Cor 7:1-9 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. {2} But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. {3} The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. {4} The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. {5} Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. {6} I say this as a concession, not as a command. {7} I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. {8} Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. {9} But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

• The Corinthians had written Paul (1Co 7:1) about the "present crisis" (1Co 7:26) that was causing those who were married to face many troubles (1Co 7:28).
• (This was probably a persecution which subjected wives and children to torture and rape before the eyes of their husbands and fathers in order to convince them to denounce Christ.  Under these specific circumstances, it was advisable not to marry.)
• Marriage is the only moral outlet for sexual passions, and sexual drive is an acceptable reason to seek a spouse.
• The body of one spouse belongs to the other, and vice versa.
• Sexual activity is a marital duty for mutual fulfillment. 
• It is wrong for a person to deprive their spouse sexually except by mutual consent and only for a time.
• Frequent sexual activity within marriage is a good way to assist one another resist temptation.
• Sexuality in marriage is more than just for procreation.

Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

• God recognizes the institution of marriage and wants everyone to recognize it.
• The marriage bed (i.e. sex in marriage) is pure as long as neither partner engages in adultery or other sexual immorality.

What is immoral sexually?

Mark 7:20-22 He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' {21} For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, {22} greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.

Deu 22:20-21 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, {21} she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

• Sex before marriage is sin

Deu 22:22-29 If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel. {23} If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, {24} you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death--the girl because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man's wife. You must purge the evil from among you. {25} But if out in the country a man happens to meet a girl pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. {26} Do nothing to the girl; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders his neighbor, {27} for the man found the girl out in the country, and though the betrothed girl screamed, there was no one to rescue her. {28} If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, {29} he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

• Consensual unwed sex is a sin.  Rape is a sin.
• In Israel, under the Old Law, premarital sex obliged the couple to marry.
• Sex is not the same thing as marriage.  They are different, and marriage should come before sex.

Ezek 23:1-21 The word of the LORD came to me: {2} "Son of man, there were two women, daughters of the same mother. {3} They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. {4} The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem. {5} "Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians--warriors {6} clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. {7} She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. {8} She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust upon her. {9} "Therefore I handed her over to her lovers, the Assyrians, for whom she lusted. {10} They stripped her naked, took away her sons and daughters and killed her with the sword. She became a byword among women, and punishment was inflicted on her. {11} "Her sister Oholibah saw this, yet in her lust and prostitution she was more depraved than her sister. {12} She too lusted after the Assyrians--governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, mounted horsemen, all handsome young men. {13} I saw that she too defiled herself; both of them went the same way. {14} "But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans portrayed in red, {15} with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. {16} As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. {17} Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. {18} When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. {19} Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. {20} There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. {21} So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

• God describes his experience with the nations of Israel and Judah like the experience of a father with two young daughters.
• God describes premarital sex (including fondling and petting) as prostitution.   Promiscuity rather than payment is God's criterion for a prostitute.

Exo 22:19 "Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal must be put to death.

Lev 18:6-9 "'No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. {7} "'Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her. {8} "'Do not have sexual relations with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father. {9} "'Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father's daughter or your mother's daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere.

Lev 18:22-23 "'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable. {23} "'Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.

What does God recognize as marriage?

• God clearly recognizes the institution of marriage.  The question is "what constitutes marriage" or "what makes a marriage valid in God's sight?"
• Some people justify their live-in relationship with their girlfriend/boyfriend and their premarital sex by claiming that they are really married in their hearts.

Here are some questions to test this.

• When asked "are you married?", do you answer "Yes"?
• When your partner is asked "are you married?", does he or she answer "Yes"?
• Do you introduce each other, saying "This is my wife" and "This is my husband"?
• If you broke up, would you consider yourself divorced?
• Why have you not taken the legal and socially recognized steps to formalize your marriage?
• What stops you from getting married officially now?
• When do you consider that you were first married?  Would he/she answer exactly the same way?
• When did you first have sex?  Was it sexually immoral before you considered yourself married?

Ezek 16:8 "'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.

• God frequently described (through the prophets) his relationship with Israel as the relationship of a groom to a bride (e.g. Jer 2:2, Jer 3:14,20, Jer 31:32)
• He describes his "marriage" to the people of Israel as a "solemn oath" where he "entered into a covenant" with them.  This is the cornerstone of marriage.

John 2:1-2 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, {2} and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.

• Jesus went to weddings.  He also told parables about weddings.  They all were public celebrations, usually including a feast.
• A wedding is the Scriptural way to get married, not simply declaring oneself marriage in one's heart.

John 4:16-18 He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back." {17} "I have no husband," she replied. Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. {18} The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

• Living with someone does not constitute a marriage

1 Cor 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

• A person must be married before any sex.  No excuses, no exceptions.

Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

• Marriage is not a private matter such that each couple can make up its own standard for what constitutes marriage.
• Marriage is an institution which needs to be recognized by the community.
• Since God gives no scriptural formula for marriage, it should therefore follow the customs of the community.
• Sex without a publicly-recognized marriage is immoral.

Rom 13:1-6 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. {2} Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. {3} For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. {4} For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. {5} Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. {6} This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing.

• God has established governments with authority.
• Since God has not provided specific instructions for how to marry, the laws of the land define marriage in God's sight.
• People who disregard the laws and set up their own standard for what consitutes marriage are disobeying God.

How should I treat my girlfriend/boyfriend or fiance (i.e. before we are married)?

1 Tim 5:1-2 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, {2} older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

• A man's relationship to a woman he is not married to should be consistent with their relationship in Christ as brother and sister.

Eph 5:3-5 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. {4} Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. {5} For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

• The goal of purity is not to go as far as possible without "crossing the line".  The goal is to keep from even a hint of sexual immorality.
• This may mean disassociating yourself from many things which are OK but which remind you and others of immoral behavior.
• Don't spend time alone with a girlfriend or boyfriend in your home or hers.

Luke 1:26-35 In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, {27} to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. {28} The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." {29} Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. {30} But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. {31} You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. {32} He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, {33} and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end." {34} "How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" {35} The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.

• Joseph was pledged to be married to Mary, but she was still a virgin.  Joseph had not slept with her.
• We should make it our goal to enter marriage as a virgin.  The wedding night will be special.

Mat 1:18-20 This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. {19} Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. {20} But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.

• Before Joseph understood that Jesus was pregnant with the Son of God, he thought that she had lost her virginity and thought that this was sufficient reason not to marry her.

If I become a disciple, and my fiancee doesn't, should I go through with the marriage?

1 Cor 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.