Studies

Marriage

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her -- Eph 5:25

Guiding Principles

Eph 5:21-33 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. {22} Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. {23} For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. {24} Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {25} Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her {26} to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, {27} and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. {28} In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. {29} After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- {30} for we are members of his body. {31} "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." {32} This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. {33} However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

• God patterned marriage after the relationship between Jesus and the church.
• God designed the roles of husband and wife in marriage.  Do I accept my role as leader or helper?  Do I do a good job of it?
• The husband is to lead his wife as Christ leads the church
  • to love her
  • to give himself up for her in selfless sacrifice
  • to enable her to be flawless and radiant.
  • to take the responsibility and the blame for their marital shortcomings.
  • to feed and care for her
  • to put her needs and the family's needs above the wishes of his own mother and father
  • to love her more than himself and to treat her better than himself in all ways
  • to submit to her at times out of reverence for Christ (seek consensus in decisions, rather than disregarding her opinions and feelings)
• The wife is to submit to her husband in everything as the church submits to Christ
  • to respect him
  • to be unified with him
  • to support him and submit to him in everything (as to the Lord)
  • to put his needs and the family's needs above the wishes of her own mother and father
  • to strive, under his protection and leadership, to be radiant and perfect for him
• The husband's greatest need is to be respected.  The wife's greatest need is to be loved.
• The wife's submission to the husband does not remove the need for the husband to submit to the wife at times.  Good leaders are aware of the needs of those they lead.

1 Pet 3:1-7 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, {2} when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. {3} Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. {4} Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. {5} For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, {6} like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. {7} Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

• The wife is to submit to her husband even if he is not Christlike (how much more if he is!)
  • to shine in purity and reverence, instead of nagging, badgering, and prodding
  • to be patient and hopeful for him to become more of the husband he needs to be instead of being angry, impatient, and bitter
  • to seek inner beauty more than outward beauty
  • to have a gentle, quiet spirit
  • to obey her husband and respect him and his God-given role to lead the family
  • to put her hope in God rather than fearing the worst
• The husband is to lead his wife with qualities which are "the same" as those required for the wife ("in the same way")
  • to be considerate of her, thinking of her feelings, needs, and opinions
  • to treat her with respect
  • to grant her more grace than he would grant himself
  • to give of himself to her, realizing that as the follower she has a greater emotional need for communication and relationship
  • to treat her as an equal in the sight of God
• A married man cannot do well spiritually if he is treating his wife badly.  His prayers will be hindered.  Treating her right will facilitate a strong relationship with God.

1 Cor 7:1-9 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. {2} But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. {3} The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. {4} The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. {5} Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. {6} I say this as a concession, not as a command. {7} I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. {8} Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. {9} But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

• Sexuality in marriage is more than just for procreation.  Frequent, mutually satisfying sexual relations are a healthy part of every marriage.
• The Corinthians had written Paul (1Co 7:1) about the "present crisis" (1Co 7:26) that was causing those who were married to face many troubles (1Co 7:28).   Under these circumstances ("because of the present crisis"), Paul recommended people to consider not getting married.  Don't let this confuse you about the fact that marriage is good and spiritual under all normal circumstances.
• (The "present crisis" was probably a persecution which subjected wives and children to torture and rape before the eyes of their husbands and fathers in order to convince them to denounce Christ.  Under these specific circumstances, it was advisable not to marry.)
• Marriage is the only moral outlet for sexual passions, and sexual drive is an acceptable reason to seek a spouse.
• The body of one spouse belongs to the other, and vice versa.
• Sexual activity is a marital duty for mutual fulfillment. 
• It is wrong for a person to deprive their spouse sexually except by mutual consent and only for a time.
• Frequent sexual activity within marriage is a good way to help one another resist temptation.

1 Cor 13:1-8a If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. {2} If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. {3} If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. {4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. {5} It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. {6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. {7} It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. {8a} Love never fails.

• Love is more than just heroic deeds on someone's behalf.  Love for a spouse is more than working hard and bringing home a paycheck.  It is more than caring for the kids, cleaning, and cooking.
• Love is more than knowing a lot or accomplishing great acts of faith or doing good deeds.
• Love means cleaning out your insides about how you look at people, how you think about people, and how you treat people.
• How we think about ourselves in relation to them:  not boast, not proud, not self-seeking
• How we celebrate their successes and mourn their hurts:  not envy, not delight in evil
• How we care for their needs:  kind, always protects
• How we deal with their failings:  patient, not easily angered, no record of wrongs
• How we believe in their future:  always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
• Love is always worthwhile, always effective, regardless of whether we see the results or not.  It is never wasted effort.

1 Tim 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple.

• Everyone must care particularly for his immediate family (including your spouse).   This is a spiritual duty.
• As important as marriage is, our relationship with Jesus must be even more important.

1 Cor 7:10-17 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. {11} But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. {12} To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. {13} And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. {14} For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. {15} But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. {16} How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? {17} Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.

1 Cor 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.